Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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