Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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