I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
