if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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