I cannot find my penis.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
