I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
