WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
