im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i dont even know how to be here
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
