Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
