Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
