Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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