Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
