I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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