it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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