I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
