Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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