I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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