what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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