Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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