I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
