There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am one with the molecules
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
