Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
