The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
