Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
