in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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