no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
