Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
not ubering you a puppy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
