I need help removing her.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
