She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
