theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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