you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
