life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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