When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
