the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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