im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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