so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
