can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
