Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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