i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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