The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
