I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
