i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
