We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
