so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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