The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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