Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
