You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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