meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
