Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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