You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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