you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
