Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
