I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
