I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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