i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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