I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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