Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Your cock deserves a montage
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
