I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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