i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
