I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
